Hi friends, it’s Guy. I am pretty sure Nell got to guest-post WAY before she turned 2, but I wear pink diapers to school, so I think we all know where the second child stands in this scenario.
I turned 2, and for that I got two shots. While I was screaming in pain from the doctor, Mom was screaming with joy that her daycare costs just went way down. Her priorities are clearly in the wrong place. I don’t think she shed a single tear about the fact that I am no longer a baby — in fact, I recently saw her diaper bag (in which I may or may not have smooshed old fruit snacks) IN THE TRASH.
Not that I am potty trained — let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Toilets are good for three things: stuffing my toys in, and… okay, toilets are good for one thing. Just one. But that light-up shark sword isn’t going to swirly itself.
Back to the horrifying doctor’s office appointment. The post-it note Mom took home instead of a sticker reports I am 25.2lb and 33″ tall. Nell’s two-year stats were 22lb and 32″ tall, which means I am going to need to start hanging from monkey bars because sister is short and I thought I was further ahead at this point.
And speech — everyone is always asking me to talk. “Baby Guy, say MOON. Baby Guy, say PUMPKIN.” Goodness gracious, people. I know so many words at this point that my therapist doesn’t even think I will qualify for speech services again when I get retested in February. Six months ago no one thought I could even hear and now I am practically testing out of this system! That is some kind of crazy progress, but it would be nice to get a break and some recognition. Something like, “Baby Guy, you don’t need to say a thing. You know so much already. Just sit and silently watch Mickey Mouse.” That’d be nice, right?
Although, admittedly, while I may have a lot of words, I also insert those words into my own magical language that only Mom, Nell, and my teacher understand. Sometimes Dad, too, but I think Nell translates most of that for him.
Here’s some Guy talk just in case you happen to be watching me one of these days and I need you to know what to get me.
“Aw joo bot.” I want a juice box.
“Aw bee bee on mih mouse!” I want the TV on. And make it Mickey.
“Uh Neh?” Where is Nell? (Though my favorite is to ask mom where dad is when we’re in a crowded space and then when she tells me he is at work or some other ridiculous place, I like to start shouting DADDY! as loud as I can with an increasing note of urgency in my voice as though this person holding me isn’t actually even my mommy. Ha!)
“Stop it. Not nice.” Oh, well, I guess this one is right. Sometimes I know how to say the things that are really important to me. Like stop taking my toys, Neh.
Speaking of toys, a whole bunch of pink stuff was recently relocated from Nell’s room to my room, and Mom swears she is going to paint it to match, but right now things are looking an awful lot like the inside of my diaper drawer.
Also weird, I go to bed at night in Mommy and Daddy’s bed, and when I wake up in the middle of the night for water and a snuggle, I am in a Hello Kitty bed, which definitely is not something I picked out. Honestly, I hope they’re saving for my therapy because this second child is going to need it.
As for Nell, the child who literally thinks everything we own belongs to her, including my minion toys, I overheard the following exchange between her and my mommy the other night:
Where’s Baby Guy?
He is sleeping in the little bed.
What little bed?
The little Hello Kitty bed.
But that’s MY HELLO KITTY BED!
Well yes, but you said you wouldn’t sleep in it. So I just figured I would give it to Guy and you wouldn’t care.
He can have it.
I must learn from her manipulative ways. Not only does she get what she wants, but I have been kicked out of my own warm King-sized bed!
Before I go, here are a few more things you should know about me:
Likes: books (especially books with animals), painting, music and dancing, bubbles, Mickey Mouse, minions, being outside, making parents chase me, bananas, toys that double as weapons, the color yellow, running away before I have pants on, throwing/hitting/kicking balls, jumping in puddles/water fountains/pools, my sister’s iPad, pretend ice cream.
Dislikes: stuff I am told I can’t have.
And finally, it’s almost Halloween, and I just want anyone who lives near us who may be reading this to know that I like lollipops and kit kats. And also, I didn’t pick out my costume. It goes with Nell’s costume, which she did get to pick out. #secondchildproblems, am I right?
And with that, a big wave and bye byes.