I saw the sunrise today. It started out like this.
And then gradually got a little lighter, a little brighter.
Until finally the sun appeared on the horizon and squeezed in for just a moment before it slipped behind the clouds for the rest of the day.
My dawn outings began as the only time to paddle that didn’t interfere entirely with family life and our day. In the summer, when it’s light enough out that I can get on the water exceptionally early, I can even manage to slip back inside the house on certain days before Nell wakes up. (Guy is always up.)
But now, dawn is my favorite time. I love the sunrise — I can’t count how many I had the privilege of seeing in 2016. I love paddling toward the light, witnessing the colors, and watching the night give way to morning.
I am not on the water right now. I am sidelined for 4-6 weeks depending on who you talk to (me or a doctor), but the one thing I didn’t want to lose during this recovery window is my time with the sunrise. So since I’m not paddling there, I am walking there.
A shot of the pre-dawn light earlier this week.
I never wrote about the surgery or shared anything here in the lead-up to it primarily because it all happened very fast and it all happened over the holidays. In fact, the call that I got from my doctor explaining that the surgery would be a bit more intensive than we thought came while we were at the airport on the way home from Florida.
(If you’re not in the mood to read a surgery story, feel free to skip down to the beach pictures below! I won’t mind, really.)
It started as a lot of pain that came in waves throughout 2016. Pain so severe on some days that I couldn’t walk. The bad days became more frequent, and the good days became less good, until there was never really a day when I was without discomfort. I told my doctor in December that I thought something was wrong, and just before Christmas, I had an ultrasound that found a tumor that would need to come out, taking one ovary with it.
I had a follow-up MRI (also known as the most expensive procedure ever) between Christmas and New Year’s which confirmed the tumor and also showed that my uterus was sick (unrelated to the tumor).
So, about a month after finding all that out — last Monday — I had surgery to remove the tumor, during which I also had a hysterectomy and an oophorectomy and kicked in my tubes for good measure. (Going in? Take it all!)
The surgery went really well. There were two major concerns going into it: that I would have too much scar tissue from my c-sections that they wouldn’t be able to perform the surgery laparoscopically and I would need full open abdominal surgery; and that they wouldn’t be able to save my second ovary, which would have put me into medical menopause. But neither of those things happened, and so for the last week I’ve been focused on recovery.
I really had no idea what to expect from the laparoscopic surgery. One of my most vivid memories from my c-sections is of the first time I tried to stand up after Nell’s birth. Moving upright felt like my insides were ripping apart, and I’ve never forgotten that sensation — that awful moment when your body feels like it’s doing unreal things. I had expected something similar, but to a lesser degree, from this surgery, but I was really surprised at how different it was.
Admittedly, it took a while to get pain management under control after the procedure. My blood pressure and heart rate were too low for them to be able to start on the prescription painkillers, and there were several hours post-surgery that were almost unbearable. But once we got on top of things, all I could think was that I needed to get up. The bed was making every part of me ache, and I was in a near panic wanting to get up. I hadn’t been cleared to get up until the following morning, but around 9pm that night, I begged the nurse to call my surgeon and get permission to start moving around, and doing so provided so much relief. And I was so scared for that first time I sat upright — thinking of my c-sections and the pain in that moment — and it was absolutely fine.
It’s been a week now. The worst of the pain early on was from the trapped air in my shoulders, which my pre-op nurse warned me about (but which no one could have fully warned me about because OMG, the pain). But I tried to find a balance between staying active and resting, and within five days, I could no longer feel air in my upper body.
While I wouldn’t say recovery has been painful, it’s hard. I still get tired easily, I can feel when I overdo it, and I need to lay down for portions of the day to give my body a rest. Sitting at my desk for too long or standing for too long causes a painful pressure that I can only relieve by laying flat, which is about all I want to do by the end of the day. But I am definitely getting better. The incision sites themselves still hurt when they are touched or something brushes against them, so I am limited right now to sweat pants that sit below the incisions. I am working from home this week and next to recover and regain my strength and my stamina. I couldn’t wear a single pair of work pants comfortably right now, and I definitely couldn’t walk a mile from the parking garage to my office carrying my laptop and other work stuff. Hopefully, by the time I return, none of that is an issue!
In the meantime, I am going to try and be the best recoverer I can be! That means walking slowly twice a day on the beach, which is fabulous for my sea glass collection. These four handfuls were from my first two days home. Being slow has its benefits!
It means walking to the sunrise instead of paddling to it.
And it means staying off the water for now. Admittedly, it’s been hard — we’ve had unusually warm days coupled with low winds (who knew that was even a thing around here!) and the flattest water. I asked G whether there is a lesson to learn in the fact that almost all of my winter paddling was done on cold, windy days during small craft advisories, and as soon as I am off the water, it’s warm and calm. He looked at me like I was nuts.
Those aren’t waves; they’re rollers coming in from barge traffic.
Although, if we’re going to have a stretch of calm, glassy water, I am glad it is now, when I am fresh enough in my recovery that I don’t have a single thought to try and paddle.
Random picture of a very small lion’s mane jellyfish I took the other day on my walk.
However, in a few weeks, when my resolve is less steady, then let the seas rage!